Growing-Up Grown

Published in DailyGrito

I graduated college, an increasing rarity for Latino males. Now, I reside in the so-called “real” world.

It is not uncommon for the children of Latina/os to be a family’s translator. As far as I can remember--at the age of ten--I was arguing with the electric company, ordering cable, fighting parking tickets in court, doing income-tax returns, cooking and cleaning the house. Many of us have been in the real world all our lives. The infantilization of outspoken young people is certainly responsible for making these experiences invisible.

As a non-English speaking Latina, my mother began to work as a bartender in the early ‘90s. Soon after, because of economic need, she began working as an exotic dancer in the highway crack-dens of Northern New Jersey. One of the most spectacular memories of my childhood took place at a court in Paterson N.J. I was sixteen or so. I had known for years now that my mother was a dancer. She asked me to go with her to court as she had had a “problem” a couple years ago that needed resolution. She explained to me that as she was dancing, and an undercover cop (enjoying the show nevertheless) had slipped a dollar into her belt (this is illegal). She was arrested, and needed to clear her record before applying for citizenship. I thought it was going to be another quick-ten-minute-argument with the credit card company. Come to find out, she was charged with a felony for prostitution and clearly had no idea what had gone on.

By sixteen, I was working in Newark as a piano instructor, taking the 39 Bus in the late and lonely nights of Penn station. By seventeen, I was applying to college, (by myself) filing FAFSTA, while the only instruction I had from my mother was, “good men go to college.”

Despite her hard work and dedication, my mother was always at odds with this country -- both culturally and financially. In search of providing me with a middle -class lifestyle, she sacrificed much of her selfhood. We originally lived in West New York, NJ, and lived a very modest lifestyle, because of our search for Americanism, she decided to moves us out of W.N.Y because there were “too many Hispanics”. Internalized racism is a hugely damaging element in immigrant culture, the obsession with arriving at American--whatever that means--often makes us work against our interests and turn on our communities.

With the job situation worsening for my mother, and the excessive demands of a young son, trying to invent himself in our world of fast-pace demand and consumerism, everyday life became unbearable. We fell into debt, and lost everything, months before I left to attend the University of New Hampshire.

I agonize over the fact that my mother’s financial situation was in such despair at the time of my entering college. My mother was left in the street, her car repossessed, her apartment lost, her furniture on the curb, her life destroyed. But, her son was attending an American university. My education would not have happened if I did not have my grandmother's financial support. Making the reality this: many Latino/s who do not have the privilege I had, could never aspire to go to a place like the University of New Hampshire, especially now, when they are nearly private because of the “live free or die” nonsense that runs that crazy state. The people of New Hampshire are wonderful, and I enjoyed my time in the state, but their idea of funding public education is profoundly misguided.

I struggle with the fact that after 25 years of my mother coming into this country she still does not know English. She understands here and there, but I never made an effort to teach her. Now, I write about her experience in a language that she cannot read. This is a tremendous tension for all of us who write in English about a community's interest who does not understand the language. Especially because it is difficult to see where the line is between me using my mother's experience as yet another way to exploit the experience of Latina women, or as an honest gesture of my love for her and respect for her life.

I might now be a “proper” member of American society, yet my mother is left with nothing.

Despite it all, the day before graduating college, I sat on my porch in Dover, New Hampshire, and watched the sunrise as the bitter cold of New England pulled at my skin. Looking outward, I felt fear--fear of graduating without a job, of bringing the romantics of my adolescence to an end, panic of not knowing, of moving-in with my mother, of having no direction.

I am slowly realizing my foolishness, and assessing the reality now, that I can live a comfortable life because of her sacrifice. What is even more difficult, is that her sacrifice comes with purely authentic love, and that she did all she did happily. And that, is truly something worth noting as an “American Dream”, millions of Latino/as parents want the dream for their children and a nightmare for themselves. We can surely do better.

All became relevant--painfully relevant--to see the face of unimaginable joy and euphoria on my mother’s face the day I graduated. She will forever be a warrior, and I am proud to be a product of her greatness. The opportunity to obtain an education needs to be widely available, as it will help use work collectively for a more just future. That is our duty and responsibility above all others.

Stop the War Against Women

This is my latest Op-ed for The New Hampshire

In recent weeks, the work of Margaret Sanger (American birth-control advocate and sex educator of the early 20th century) has become especially relevant. Legislation is currently before the U.S. Congress that would ban all public funding of Planned Parenthood - the nation's largest sex education/women's health/reproductive health non-profit organization. They are doing this through the Pence amendment, sponsored by Rep. Mike Pence, R-Ind. The Republican-dominated House of Representatives approved the amendment 240-185.

In "Woman and the New Race," Sanger notes, "Woman must not accept; she must challenge." I extend to say, we must all challenge this attack.

It strikes me as odd that most of the women with whom I have spoken to this past week about this legislation, with the exception of some of my younger feminist friends, are older women. They seem to have a very vivid narrative about what life was like without access to a safe abortion. This narrative is not only horrifying, but it bring to light the slavery status women face when they don't have reproductive freedom. The other component, which I knew about, but still find incredible, is that less than four percent of Planned Parenthood's work has to do with abortions. To me, this serves as evidence that the majority of work they do in terms of education, health and, most importantly, prevention, is effective and sustainable. You might think that my assertion is subjective, non-empirical, and even anecdotal, but within the context of our reality, it certainly has more validity than the endless banter of conservative moralists attacking such a valuable institution, which barely exercises the practice they are concerned about, while millions don't have jobs.

To look at reproductive freedom nostalgically, as if we have "come so far," is irresponsible. The war on women is alive and well, and, perhaps, we must move backwards to move forward. It is no surprise to me that white conservative men are out to "get" Planned Parenthood. As we witness the intersectionality of white supremacy and misogyny, we see that their disregard is not only for women, but poor women, and women of color. Even more, we see that conservative politics has little to do with "job creation," but more with deranged moralists and religious ideological platforms. What will happen to the thousands who will lose their jobs at Planned Parenthood? How about the women who can't afford breast examinations? How long will it take for the media to respond collectively with the statistical evidence of Planned Parenthood's work? That less than four percent of their work is related to abortion? That more than 40,000 women last year received free cervical exams; that more than 100,000 women received free breast examinations; that they provide free HIV testing; that they invest millions in public education?

My solution to the "moral" question of abortion is simple: You don't want one, don't get one. Save yourself and your family when your beloved rapture comes and flies away to eternity. It is not my concern. I am sure that Mr. Pence and other moral-advocating-wait-another-month-or-so-until-they-get-caught-in-an-airport-bathroom-with-a-male-intern martyrs in Washington have some innovative ideas on how to make women docile and irrelevant. And for the record, women don't "want" abortions, and poor women don't want pregnancies; they are victims of poverty and need a community who will foster meaning to their life. Is Mr. Pence going to increase the funding of social programs to help these poor women raise their children? Or will he tell them life is tough and to go back to their unheated, lead paint-smelling apartments and feed their child Ramen noodle? I'm sure he wants to keep them there: unsuccessful, poor, uneducated, with the salted taste of packaged sodium in their mouths.

I don't know what type of event can spark social interest, but I believe many are blind and clueless of the rights they are losing. The apathy needs to stop, and you have to tell your government that you will not allow this war on women. To the women of this campus: you own your body - allow it to function as you wish.

Alexis Gumbs & Cybering Activism

Most times, I use my blog to criticize the institution that has provided me with an eduction to do so -- The University of New Hampshire; I, myself, get overwhelmed with my sociopolitical pessimism at times. We must also be conscious of the great progressive work being done at the university. A perfect example of this is the community of scholars in the Discovery program, who are facilitating great discussion among students and faculty alike.

Black Feminist, and Cyber-Activist, Alexis Gumbs recently came to UNH to talk about technology. She spoke of her diverse experience with technology and activism. Currently pursuing her Ph.d. at Duke University, Gumbs is involved in a tremendous amount of activism, including the “School of Our Lorde,” which is an institution committed to the learning and studying of the works of Audre Lorde, who was a “ Black-lesbian-feminist-sociliast-mother-of-two,” to quote Lorde in her electrifying essay, “Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference.” Gumbs, like Lorde, identifies as a poet, not a political theorist. Both of them however, are examples of the interdiciplinarity of Feminism, and that “ poetry is not a luxury”

Gumbs made one point that spoke to me in particular, as it intersected with my current research. Although I was familiar with the idea of internalized capitalism, I had never linked it to my critique of pornography. In a nutshell, “internalized capitalism” refers to the subconscious practice of always “developing” something new to further productivity. Gumbs challenged us:  “just because something could be done, doesn’t mean that it should.” We know that the super-plastifided, multi-billion dollar industry of pornography is one of the star-studded results of capitalism, but we must in fact accept, that an out-of-control system of corporatism that defines our bodies through capital will eventually destroy us.

Alexis Gumbs is a phenomenal Feminist and activist. It was a pleasure to have her share her knowledge with our campus; we are in need.

Visit her website.

Cyber-Feminist Spaces

Maria Bakardijeva reports in her article “Virtual Togetherness: An Everyday-Life Perspective” on her view of virtual spaces, as “public spheres,” having the potential to be spaces for intellectual discourse and the democratic sharing of ideas.

As a Cyber-Activist, and a Feminist who has embraced the technological as a medium to produce and share intellectualism, I am compelled to agree with Bakardijeva. That is not say that these spaces don’t also have the potential to be destructive. I am thinking particularly of the amount of bigotry and hate that goes on in America’s top site for video and music sharing -- youtube. Of-course, as I have often mentioned in my work, there is no need to theorize foolishness and bigotry. Someone who comments on a video of violinist Isaac Perlman, and writes, “stupid jew” is just a waste of intelligence, nevertheless, these “wastes” divide into two polarizing groups: one in which the person is forced to react to their ignorance by means of their profound boredom and self-loathing mentality; and, one in which the person is a radical ideologue, who is an anti-semite, white-supremacist etc.

This leads me into my discussion for this entry -- comment culture in Feminist virtual spaces. What I mean by “comment culture,” is that, within virtual communities, like all communities, cultures develop on how to produce and interpret material. Youtube, for example, is a mixed bag, but often is a space with a poor comment culture, demonstrating efficiently involved commenting grounded in mindless-thinking.

Cyber-Feminist spaces such as Feministing, and Ms.blog have shown remarkable poise: monitoring comments, inviting people to participate in the discourse, and understanding the limitations of “free speech.” These type of marketing choices, I guess, let’s call them that, are necessary to foster a comment culture that can facilitate the production of knowledge, and not hinder thinking by embracing foolishness and empty-minded comments, usually motivated by bigotry.

Some of the Cyber-Feminist spaces I would recommend are:

Feministing
Ms.Blog
Latina Magazine Blog
Bitch Ph.d.

Introduction to a Developing Essay

We continue to critically interrogate the cyber world, as we search for visuals that can potentially provide connectivity between the “cyber” and the “real,” furthering our understanding of how this relationship reinforces and transforms inequality.The cyber-world has actively participated in the blueprinting of Queer life;what seemed to be utopia at first, has turned into the producer of misguided digital narratives that provide the fundamental pedagogy on what and who Queer is. The cyber-world has been perceived to be a judge-free community where many closeted and non-closeted Queers explore sexuality with out the gaze of a normative society. With the growing epidemic of cyber hate, and the extreme degradation of Queerness through technological invention, we conclude, that in fact, this is a myth.

Russell K. Robinson, professor of law at UCLA, informs us in his essay, “Structural Dimensions of Romantic Preference” on “the impact of structural conditions on preference regarding intimacy.” He suggests that our “preferences” regarding intimacy are imaginations and not natural or fixed desires. Robinson examines a number of romantic “market” places(dating sites, hook-up sites);one of his claims is that the representation of gay men of color on these sites is for the most part a commodified and racialized imagination. As we translate these representations into “real” life, we see that Queer men are forced to conform: “.. in predominantly white and gay romantic marketplaces, men of color are forced to conform to certain racialized sex roles, such as the “aggressive Black top, and the submissive Asian bottom”

I wish to further extend Robinson’s claim by suggesting that pornography has served as one of the major cyber producers of these racialized images. In my recent research on black male subjectivity, it is impossible to escape the visual of the “aggressive top” in pornographic narratives. I have even began to notice that more often than not, when two men of color are the visual, the darker one is “on top.” I can hear bell hooks saying that this explicitly illustrates that societies’ antipathy for dark men of color is greater than their antipathy of men of color in general.

I define this process through the following language: The Black Male subject in interracial gay pornography is an archetype;he is constructed through a process of dehumanization -- further producing a digital narrative that is replicated in the everyday performance of gay sexuality.

Sites such as Its Gunna' Hurt and Blacks on Boys are not only popular, but consumption of interracial pornography is ever growing. In terms of analysis, I fundamentally rebuke the idea that any analysis of power can emerge from the “top/bottom” invention. That some how, if the man of color is on “top,” some type of overcoming of racism is occurring. I would argue that in fact, the white man remains in power. Through a process of dehumanization, the weapon that administers pain becomes the subject -- the black penis.

After the dehumanization process has been played out by a white supremacist tradition, we begin to see the destructive trends of capitalism suggest the socioeconomic slavery status of men of color. A majority of these disturbing narratives depict a poor black men. The trend of ghettoizing pornographic plots is everywhere; in many instances the black man walks into the room, fucks the white man, and walks out. He is wearing urban-style clothing, and the suggestion of lower-class status is either explicitly or implicitly suggested. One might ask why in a video about “sex,” these types of issues would even be narrated? To me, they are crucial in the context of white-supremacist-capitalist-patriarchy, as they suggest neo-colonial and profoundly imperial implications of the social condition of race.

The slave/master relationship is reinforced though the use of pornographic narrative; colonizing black sexuality is essential for the sustainability of white supremacy and the perpetual destruction of the black male subject.

The most disturbing of all is that this dehumanizing narrative is replicated in the performance of sexuality. We experience Queer dating sites where people are requesting “a black top,” or suggesting that their primary interest is “ethnic men.” Queer men of color are socially forced to conform to these racialized sex roles. While we assume that whiteness is not “ethnic,” and that whiteness only needs to practice sex; Practice sex in the purest of ways – free from implications. Queer men of color are not only forced to practice a political sexuality, but one that is fabricated and fundamentally unauthentic.

ChatRoulette: Years of Torture in Fifty Clicks

Shocking Results

Sam Anderson, a writer for New York, writes in his compelling article, “The Human Shuffle: Is ChatRoulette the future of the Internet or its distant Past,” about his experiences with the famous American site -- ChatRoulette. Anderson reports, “ I entered the fray on a bright Wednesday afternoon, with an open mind and an eager soul, ready to sound my barbaric yawp through the webcams of the world. I left absolutely crushed. It turns out that ChatRoulette, in practice, is brutal.” As a newfound frequenter of the site, I have found myself entering the provocative world of the mystery web-cam with friends, using it as a device of humor. We sometimes sit in my living room, after one-two-many glasses of wine, and explore the realm of cyber-vulgarity with a rather facetious purpose. In order to understand Anderson’s claims, I had to face the infamous ChatRoulette by myself, and establish some type of methodology for my research. Here it is: Fifty clicks, and I did not allow myself to “next” anyone; they would have to “next” me. “Nexting,” if we can call that a verb, is the act of clicking “next” on your screen when you want to be connected to a different webcam; the “nexting” process is random, hence the roulette aspect of this truly unique Cyber realm.

My day was very similar to Anderson’s -- I was in a good mood. I sat down in my room and began my experiment. It is difficult to put into words how bizarre, hateful and dirty this site really is. And, I don’t mean dirty because of nudity, I mean the sexist, misogynist, homophobic, and racist filth I consumed in thirty-two minutes. Some of my web-cam encounters included a person who called me a “fat faggot,” a person who masturbated in front of me for two minutes and ejaculated on his keyboard, a person who engaged me in a chat at first, and after a minute or so asked me if I could, “finger my asshole and let him call me a cum-eating bitch,” a person drawing pictures on a white-board with ketchup, a group of fraternity boys screaming, “we want tits!,” and a person with a motorcycle helmet. With all of that, what seemed to upset me the most was watching people look at me for two seconds and hit “next.” I can not echo Anderson enough, when he says, “If this was the future of the Internet, then the future of the Internet obviously didn’t include me.” It was brutal. It was years of social rejection and ridicule in fifty clicks. My self-conscience body image, Queerness, and basic humanity of being able to seek a connection with another human being was completely brought to shambles, in the cruelest of ways.

Anyone that takes this site seriously is either a masochist, or is at risk. With the recent media coverage of suicide, this site has the potential to be the catalyst of cyber-bullying. The “nexting” process is just a tool for foolish people to remove their agency from the hate they are creating. ChatRoulette is nothing more than a cyber-manifestation of hate. I am also sickened by those who say these images don’t matter, and that it’s just “a joke,” when all of us are a click away from the most violent isms.

Unhopeful Conclusions

When we attempt to theorize on why ChatRoulette exists, and how our experiences are shaped in categories of gender, race, and sexuality, it becomes increasingly difficult to focus on a conclusion. This because, human foolishness, and arbitrary technological inventions used for the dissemination of hate, and objectification, are so prevalent and popular in Cyber culture. In terms of sexuality, I found a very direct linage between homophobia and homoeroticism. Forty-two of my fifty clicks were men, and nearly half of them were penises. I am inclined to ask the following question: If you expose yourself, and expect that the image of your penis will be consumed by female viewers, why would you go on a site that is frequented predominately by men? It also seems interesting to me that out of my fifty clicks, two of them identified themselves as Queer, in casual conversation with Queer communities, it has been brought to my attention that the Queer community frequents the site. When it comes to race, I was surprised by the diversity and internationalism of the users. However, I was quickly reminded of the work of Lisa Nakamura, where she critiques an MCI commercial for claiming that there was no race, gender, or age in the Internet, just minds. Nakamura warms us of the fabrication of diversity by cyber technologies, “ ...the visual images of diversity are displayed and celebrated as spectacles of difference, that the narrative simultaneously attempts to erase by claiming that MCI’s product will reduce the different bodies that we see to “just minds.”


I am unsure if ChatRoulette is the future of the Internet, but I am sure that it will remain relative to Cyber discourse for years to come.

The technological dependency we are suffering from is causing us to strive for an identity that is perpetually public. The satisfaction, even if destructive and ridiculous, that we get from the immediacy of human contact has become solidified in a culture that is inpatient and relies on technological inventions to respond -- respond to human emotion, desire, and yearning for companionship.

Unpacking the Rutgers Tragedy: One Step at a Time

The Tyler Clementi story has brought to light once again the sick world we live in, and the media coverage has reenforced the marketability of gay death. It’s sickening to watch newscasters and main stream conservatives like “Dr.” Phil go on Larry King and say, “ it doesn’t matter that he was gay, someone is dead.” Yes, someone is dead, but it’s not a coincidence -- it’s homophobia.

This passive language dismisses how many of us feel -- vulnerable and frightened.

When will we start a comprehensive discussion? When will we realize that issues of gender and race, at all levels, are crucial components in American politics. Today, in my political column for The New Hampshire, my colleagues suggested that I would “cast the Tea Party as racist, sexist, and homophobic” because it had a good “ring to it.” News-flash: If you are holding a “Lynch Obama” sign, you are a fucking racist and a white supremacist. There is no excuse. And suggesting that I make everything about race? -- well, I do. Because it is about race. I don’t know why I am so surprised that privileged whites don’t want to talk about race. They don’t have a race. They just are.

This same type of hegemonic rhetoric is being used for the Rutgers suicide. “It's about human life, it could have happen to anyone. Stop making everything about being gay”

Well, I am.

It is crucial that Tyler Clementi was having an intimate encounter with a man. Whether he was gay or not we don’t know. But why are we surprised? Isn’t suicide the climax to the tragic Queer narrative? Not to mention that the people responsible for filming Tyler’s encounter are not the only ones at fault. How about the rest of bigots that have driven every Queer person to a breaking point? How many times we have heard the word “faggot?” And even if it was not directed at us, we know we are the faggots? What causes a 13 year-old to shoot himself in the head?

We do.

Our refusal to talk, our refusal to act, and our refusal to acknowledge the privileges we hold. It’s easy for Dan Savage to come out with his “It Gets Better” campaign while many of us watch the disposability of Queer death in horror. Yes, Dan, for you it does get better: your money, your whiteness, your status, and your obsession with assimilation will help you achieve the “better.” Never-mind, your biphobia, transphobia, classism and racism. It does get better, Dan -- for you.

Many of my dear friends and social justice warriors like Joelle Ruby Ryan have started a conversation to unify, and come away from these Gay Inc. mentalities. Join the conversation, and understand that it won’t get better if you don’t get involved.

Justice is not inevitable.

We all must realize that the solution is in education. They have been asking us all week if there are enough resources for us to turn to in crisis. Yes, there are. Trust me, every Queer knows where the counseling center is; it's part of the tragic narrative. My question: Where is the mandatory Multicultural Theory course for every freshman? Where are the pro-active administrations that will commit at an institutional level to teach diversity? Not just for us, we know it, we live it.

It is time for radical change in education. Sustainability will only be possible with a commitment to diversity, not a commitment to “tolerance” and “acceptance.” Many of us have to tolerate ignorance, and we are tired .

We are tired as a community. If all of us would come together as allies, we would see change, but so many of us are saturated with apathy and cynicism.

Ask yourself: who will be next? Try to find an answer, you won’t -- because it might just be one of us.

Alicia Menendez : Fierce Latina

So yes, she is my cousin, nevertheless she is fabulous! Alicia and I have always had a good relationship despite our little time together, from Thanksgiving dinners, to family reunions in the blistering July sun, to long chats with Gin about growing up in Hudson county -- a great thing by the way. Her latest "BHAG = Big Hairy Audacious Goal" to quote my cousin Erik, is auditioning for the "Oprah's Search for the Next TV Star: Your Own Show" here, she competes with hundreds for the chance at her own show. Alicia graduated Harvard with a degree in Gender & Sexuality, (Yes!) has worked on numerous campaigns, and currently is involved with field and policy work in the Latino/a community, she is also a solid democrat and feminist,nuff said! Here is what you do: Go to the link I posted under comments ( copy and paste, sorry blogger is not linking for some reason), watch her video and vote!